


Asking the sexgod where are his favourite guitarists might cause an aneurysm to your Sugar Daddy, who wasn't ready for all this.

by KayleighMcCamyo



Series: Groupchats of One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer [13]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cliffaconda, Crack, Daddy Kink, Dicks, I Blame Tumblr, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'M SORRY LIAM, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry Calum, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Multi, Pain Train, Praise Kink, Sexting, Slash, Swearing, Teasing, Trash Talk, and zayn is a sexgod, boomerang, calum is giving up, crackfic, groupchats, larry - Freeform, liam is done, lilo, niall is the captain of the ships, stupid humor, texts, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/pseuds/KayleighMcCamyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum: WHA THE FUCK HAPPENS TO RUDE PEOPLE I WANNA FUCKING KNOW!!!!</p><p>Zayn: i am laughing</p><p>Louis: Luke why didn´t  you sell Calum he's way more annoying then Mikey</p><p>Ash: he wanted to buy Mikey, not to sell him</p><p>Mikey: we tried to sell Calum few weeks ago but noone bought him</p><p>Calum: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT ME DRUNK, TOOK A PHOTO OF MY BOOMERANG, DREW A FACE ON IT, NAMED IT DEEZ NUTS AND HUNG IT ON THE BOARD WITH MISSING PEOPLE IN THE LA POLICE STATION</p><p>Mikey: and now it runs for presidental cabinet in the US.</p><p>Zayn: iconic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asking the sexgod where are his favourite guitarists might cause an aneurysm to your Sugar Daddy, who wasn't ready for all this.

**Calum has started a groupchat. He invited: Luke, Ash, Mikey, Zayn, Niall, Liam, Harry, Louis.**

**Calum** : it’s such a beautiful day.

 **Ash** : yup

 **Mikey** : what

 **Luke** : today it would be possible.

 **Ash** : yup

 **Mikey** : what

 **Calum** : today it’s such a beautiful day.

 **Ash** : yup

 **Mikey** : srsly what

 **Luke** : today it'd be very possible.

 **Ash** : yup

 **Mikey** : literally whats going on

 **Luke** : well you said one beautiful day youll pack your stuff and go fuck yourself.

 **Louis** : i-

 **Mikey** : ... 

 **Zayn** : i am so proud. 

 **Harry** : you have no idea. 

 **Mikey** : seriously i came here to have a good time

 **Ash** : sTOP IGTH FUCKING THERE CLIFFORD OR I SWEAR TO FUCKIGN GOD

 **Luke** : ash don't be rude

 **Calum** : YEAH HEY ASH DONT FUCKIGN SWER

 **Ash** : WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS MY SENTENCE

 **Luke** : ASH DOTN BE FUCKING RUDE

 **Mikey** : you know what happens to rude people

 **Ash** : tru.

 **Calum** : WHA THE FUCK HAPPENS TO RUDE PEOPLE I WANNA FUCKING KNOW!!!!

 **Zayn** : i am laughing

 **Louis** : Luke why didn´t  you sell Calum he's way more annoying then Mikey

 **Ash** : he wanted to buy Mikey, not to sell him

 **Mikey** : we tried to sell Calum few weeks ago but noone bought him

 **Calum** : THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT ME DRUNK, TOOK A PHOTO OF MY BOOMERANG, DREW A FACE ON IT, NAMED IT DEEZ NUTS AND HUNG IT ON THE BOARD WITH MISSING PEOPLE IN THE LA POLICE STATION

 **Mikey** : and now it runs for presidental cabinet in the US.

 **Zayn** : iconic.

 **Luke** : I'm glad we're not americans.

 **Ash** : right? i dont want Deez Nuts to run a country.

 **Mikey** : well its so small you cant even see it how its gonna do speeches.

 **Calum** : I FUCKING HATE YAAL?!?!?!?!?!

 **Liam** : can we have one simple conversation without dicks please

 **Louis** : i am so proud

 **Harry** : li you must admit this is funny

 **Zayn** : literally im loving every second if this

 **Louis** : i wanna be a part of this yall my fav punkrockers

 **Liam** : i just one the next conversation be dick-less

 **Luke** : only if calum won't be invited in the next groupchat

 **Calum** : LUKE WHAT  T HE FCUK?!?!??!?

 **Ash** : LUKE I LOVE YOU

 **Louis** : LUKE I AM SO PROUD

 **Mikey** : may i mention the dick-less thing about calum ties only to his personality, since his dick is so small its barely noticeable

 **Calum** : MICHAREL FROGONT XLIFFORD,!?!??!!?!?!??!?

 **Louis** : mikey you are my fav

 **Zayn** : our love child

 **Harry** : I ship zouis so much

 **Niall**. HAVE SOMEONE MENTIONED ZOUIS?!?!?

 **Liam** : oh my god no

 **Luke** : OH MY GOD YAS

 **Zayn** : i am such a  nice sex god.

 **Louis** : the fuck does that mean

 **Zayn** : you are the only one in this group who deserves me because you are the fucking queen of them all peasants.

 **Louis** : that's rigth.

 **Liam** : why am i even here.

 **Mikey** : don't pretend you don't love it i saw you fucking Zayn so shut up you are as gay as the rest of us.

 **Harry** : touché.

 **Calum** : yall so gay

 **Ash** : he’s daddy. And he’s got a girlfriend.

 **Niall** : HAVE SOMEONE MENTIONED ZIAM?!?!?!?!!?!???

 **Zayn** : ohhh, yes. But I still ship Zouis more.

 **Calum** : stop this gay

 **Louis** : you better.

 **Louis** : but Liam has bigger dick.

 **Calum** : literally the fuck no stop gaying

 **Zayn** : the fuck i am a sexgod like tommot he fuck!?!!

 **Louis** : you have better dickgame that's way more important

 **Calum** : i s2g i hate this band

 **Harry** : awwww, you are a lovely couple.

 **Calum** : im leaving.

 **Ash** : awww, you two are so cute.

 **Ash** : mikey what you think of my dick?

 **Mikey** : OKAY SOMEONE BRING A MICROSCOPE

 **Louis** : lol

 **Ash** : LITETAPPY GRODNON FLIFFOR D TH FCIKIGN FUCK,§?!??!

 **Calum** : no wait i changed my mind im staying this is golden

 **Luke** : i spent my money wisely on you

 **Mikey** : SHUT THE FUCK UP LUCAS

 **Zayn** : it was golden.

 **Ash** : what

 **Zayn** : that time you guys sell mikey on ebay.

 **Cal** : Zee that was literally yesterday.

 **Louis** : happy days.

 **Mikey** : Louis the fuck i thought were besties

 **Louis** : it was happy day cuz u fucked me

 **Mikey** : ^^yeah that was a happy day

 **Harry** : guys we said we not gonna talk about this

 **Zayn** : it stresses liam

 **Calum** : and calum

 **Liam** : Zayn i am still here

 **Harry** : so we won't talk about this

 **Zayn** : cuz it stresses liam

 **Calum** : and calum

 **Liam** : literally how does that even work in your heads you people

 **Niall** : well, there is alot of gay stuff

 **Liam** : niall no

 **Luke** : and gay porn

 **Liam** : LUKE NO

 **Niall** : daddy...

 **Luke** : daddy Li...

 **Liam** : NO?!?!!!O%%“??:&|đ, ,<Y#&>*?!?!

 **Calum** : haha

 **Ash** : we should sell calum on eBay

 **Calum** : I'm LEAVIGN TH EBAND ND I'm LELAVITG!!!!!

 **Luke** : we already tried

 **Louis** : noone bought him.

 **Ash** : I-

 **Calum** : YOU FCKIN SHIT

 **Mikey** : luke bought me, maybe he could buy calum too

 **Luke** : ewww i want cliffaconda not boomerang

 **Mikey** : oh my god

 **Calum** : WHAT EF CKINT LUCSA ROBRE T HENNIGN SLIKE THE FCKN HOW YRE YOU EVEN REAL I DOTN EVENT HWANNA BE TNEDS FITH YU O GM MNY BRRMERANF?!?!

 **Zayn** : this is golden

 **Ash** : you are such a nice sex god

 **Zayn** : i know

 **Louis** : i wanna have a part in this

 **Louis** : wait no

 **Louis** : i wanted to have a part in buying mikey

 **Mikey** : awwww, louis you are my fav

 **Calum** : YOUDONT EVEN DESERVE ME IN YOUR LIFE SLILTERLLA TY L IHATE YA ALL

 **Luke** : i had to buy him soon i didint want anyone else uy him away of our nest

 **Louis** : and you had to be quick because im sure he’d cost more at night

 **Liam** : oh ym god

 **Ash** : LOUIS LITERALLY OH MY GOD

 **Mikey** : Aw Louis you always know what to say you are the best

 **Zayn** : literally those conversations give me life

 **Luke** : i ship you guys

 **Calum** : NOONE RESPECT ME NOR MY BOOMERANG HERE

 **Niall** : HAVE SOMEONE MENTIONED SHIP,??!?!!?!?!?

 **Zayn** : i want to have a part in this

 **Harry** : i want to watch

 **Calum** : HTI SBAD IS BUILT ON THE PREMISE OF MY BOOMERANG

 **Luke** : can i hug my stuffed penguin while you fuck me daddy Liam?

 **Louis** : i totally wanna have a part in that

 **Liam** : TAKE THOSE SCARY BOTTOMS AWAY FROM ME I DON'T WANT THEM NEAR MY PAIN TRAIN

 **Zayn** : this is golden

 **Niall** : YES YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!

 **Calum** : CAN SOMEONETAKE ME AND MY BOOMERANGSERIOUSLY IN THIS BAND ?!?!?

 **Ash** : not with your face

 **Calum** : I-  ¿¿?? <¿!#<$!#¿<@?,/¿)“¿@¨%&\|@{¿¿¿x™®¿Ł\|<{®$<>?.“§‘(¨¿¿ˇ´;~ˇ°|@#¿<$;~^@¿¿&!!

 **Zayn** : this is golden

 **Mikey** : luke lets make out and leave the stupid here

 **Ash** : we don't even like you cal

 **Luke** : okay mikey

 **Liam** : i can't believe this is my real life

 **Calum** : ILL FUCKIGN FIND YA AND FUCKNG DESTROY YA

 **Niall** : HAVE SOEONE MENTIONED MAKING OUT?!?!?

 **Louis** : this convo is a mess

 **Zayn** : HEEY MACARENA!

 **Mikey** : no wait i changed my mind im staying this is golden

 **Calum** : I FUCKNT KILL YOU WITH BY FORCING MY BOOMERAND DOWN YOUR THROAT SO YOULL CHOKE ON IT

 **Harry** : oh my god

 **Liam** : what the hell is happening here

 **Ash** : well it's tru you can choke on extremely small things

 **Louis** : :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

 **Luke** : omg ash

 **Liam** : im moving out

 **Zayn** : I'm MOVING IN OH MY FUCKING GOD ASHTON!!!!

 **Calum** : I- …

 **Niall** : …that's not the kind of choking im here for

 **Harry** : don't worry Ni ill show you some choking on a dick with louis later

 **Liam** : I AM MOVING THE FUCK OUT!!!

 **Zayn** : I WANNA BE A PART OF THIS!!!!!

 **Ash** : I AM MOVING THE FUCK IN!!!!!!!!

 **Calum** : YALL FUCKING CUNTS!!!

 **Luke** : HEY CAUM JUST BECAUSE NOONE LIKES YOU DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BE A DICK TO EVERYONE

 **Calum** : I AM A DICK TO EVERYONE BECAUSE NOONE TAKES THE REST OF ME SERIOUSLY

 **Mikey** : HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IF THE ONLY PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY YOU SHOW US IS YOUR DICK

 **Calum** : I ONLY SHOW YOU MY DICK BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST PART OF MY PERSONALITY

 **Calum** : I STRUST YOU GUYS

 **Calum** : YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME

 **Luke** : oh.

 **Ash** : aw.

 **Mikey** : well that was cute. You’re cute cal.

 **Calum** : I-

 **Louis** : aww, that was so adorable cal

 **Calum** : literally like

 **Luke** : we love you too callie

 **Calum** : seriously guys

 **Ash** : you are special to us too baby

 **Calum** : rly guys like that was it

 **Liam** : this is so cute.

 **Niall** : ALL MY OT4 FEELS I CAN'T EVEN SOMEONE HOLD ME

 **Zayn** : im such a nice god.

 **Louis** : your conversation is boring.

 **Calum** : like all you wanted was me telling you that you are special to me

 **Luke** : yes.

 **Mikey** : you were just plain rude an dyou never wanted to cuddle

 **Ash** : we thought oyu hate us

 **Calum** : no i mean yes i do but like that's the joke right

 **Mikey** : we should write a song about it

 **Luke** : like yeah i know everyone hates luke’s band.

 **Ash** : we should write a song about this, too

 **Calum** : and about pizza.

 **Luke** : yes. The bands priorities. Calum’s dick and pizza.

 **Mikey** : and my punkrock

 **Ash** : shut up mike noone likes you

 **Luke** : you are not even in the band

 **Liam** : what is happening

 **Calum** : Luke’s being a dick to mikey because he's got the smallest cock

 **Harry** : i don't understand i thought you guys are having a moment and you love each other

 **Louis** : that's why he bought himself a cliffanconda

 **Mikey** : exactly.

 **Liam** : please guys no dicks

 **Luke** : i bought your cock not your cocky personality

 **Ash** : LUKE WE DECIDED NOT TO BRING COCKS UP FOR LIAM’S SAKE

 **Harry** : it stresses Liam.

 **Liam** : NO COCKS BEING UP AROUND ME

 **Zayn** : this is golden.

 **Louis** : i want in.

 **Luke** : u can be in me anytime Lou

 **Niall** : NNNNNYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

 **Ash** : LUKE WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND

 **Mikey** : LUKE WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE CLIFFACONDA

 **Calum** : LUKE I THOUGHT I AM SPECIAL

 **Liam** : I AM MOVING OUT OF HERE!!!

 **Zayn** : this is golden

 **Luke** : more cocks, more fun!

 **Mikey** : yay! Rock out with your cocks out!

 **Niall** : NNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 **Liam** : WHO THE FUCK BROUGHT COCKS UP AGAIN?!?!

 **Mikey** : well maybe calum but you never know because it's too small to see

 **Niall** : ALRIGHT I AM BRINGING UP THE MAGNIFIER

 **Calum** : MICHALE GRODNON XLIFFODR WHAT THE AFTUAL FUV K ?*!#?!&?!™?!@?

 **Zayn** : this is fucking golden

 **Liam** : I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT DICKS I AM LEAVING AND I AM MOVING OUT!!

 **Calum** : NIALL THE FUCKING SHIT I THOUGHT  HAVE A FUCKIGN ALLY IN YOU??!?!!

 **Ash** : Li you know the rules if you want to leave your room you must be naked

 **Luke** : yeah Liam sorry

 **Louis** : yeah liam those are legit rules sorry were not making this up

 **Liam** : i hate yall

 **Calum** : WHY ARE YA ALWAYS MAKIGN FUN OF MY BOOMERANG

 **Harry** : love you are the one callign it boomerang we are just deepening your joke

 **Liam** : DON'T TALK ABTOU DEEPENING INFRONT OF ME

 **Mikey** : oh my god

 **Niall** : HAVE SOMEONE MENTIONED DEEPENING?!?!!

 **Luke** : daddyyyy

 **Liam** : HT E FUK C ULKE NO!!!!!

 **Ash** : Ni bring your camera Liam is getting out of his room naked so he can show calum how dick looks like

 **Calum** : I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY DICKS!!!

 **Liam** : I DON'T WANNA SHOW MY DICK TO ANYONE OH MY FUCKIGN GOD!!!

 **Ash** : you can call me Ashton, it’s not sunday, Li.

 **Zayn** : this is golden.

 **Liam** : I'm MOVING THE FUCK OUT!!!

 **Louis** : I MADE MYSELF A CUPPA AND NOW I DOTN UDERSTAND WHAT ARE WE YELLING ABOUT BUT I WANNA HAVE A PART IN IT

 **Harry** : if this doesn't sum up his personality, nothing does.

 **Mikey** : your dick sums up his personality.

 **Louis** : truest sentence ever.

 **Liam** : N O DICKT!!!!!§§ I DNT WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT AI DONW TANNA SEE ANY DCKAS I AM NOVINT IN WITH MY BEAUTOFUL BRIFGLIEND AND I DON WAANA HEA ABOUT DICK ES EVER AFAIN!!!

 **Harry** : guys we decided not to bring dicks up

 **Liam** : it stresses liam.

 **Calum** : and calum.

 **Harry** : this convo is somehow gayer then the previous ones.

 **Luke** : it's because im sucking mikeys dick.

 **Calum** : PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE NOT BECAUSE I HEARD YOU LAUGHING FROM THE KITCHEN AND I AM PREPEARING FOOD IN THE KITCHEN AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK IN THE KITCHEN WHERE I AM EATING MY FOOD?!?!?!?!

 **Louis** : guys nobody say anything.

 **Harry** : why?

 **Zayn** : it would obvioudly stress calum.

 **Liam** : and liam.

 **Zayn** : this is golden and i am loving every second of this.

 **Niall** : it's not gay enough

 **Liam** : literally what

 **Liam** : niall like srsly it's too gay for me to stay in here

 **Liam** : im moving out and i am quitting the band

 **Louis** : NO NO NO I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU  LIAM PLEASE I NEED YOU STAY  

 **Liam** : … are you serious

 **Louis** : YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY BAND

 **Harry** : no he’s just adressing your dick.

 **Liam** : I-

 **Louis** : ILL THROW Zayn OUT OF THE BAND IF IT'S TOO GAY FOR YOU

 **Harry** : louis I-

 **Liam** : THE DICKS ARE UP AGAIN WHA THTE FUCK I THOUGHT WE HAVE AN AGREEEMENT

 **Ash** : well it doesn't count if it's your dick does it

 **Liam** : I AM FUCKGN LEAVING AND I AM TAKING MY PAINTRAIN WITH MASELF

 **Calum** : Zayn you don't mind Louis would trade ya for the pain train?

 **Zayn** : no id trade my soul for pain train

 **Louis** : OKAY YOU CAN QUIT THE BAND YBUT YOU NEED TO LEAVE YOUR DICK HERE SORRY I'm NOT MAKING THIS UP THOSE ARE THE RULEZ OF THE BAND

 **Ash** : GUYS MUKE IS FUCKING ON THE KITCHETABLE AND THEY DON'T HAVE CONDOM AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL  

**Niall has left the conversation.**

**Liam** : I SAID NO FUCKIGN DICKS!!!

 **Harry** : well technically liam they were talking about fucking ass, but i think i got what you meant.

 **Zayn** : this is fucking golden

 **Louis** : oh fuck your pain train im gonna go have some cliffaconda.

 **Liam** : Louis WHAT TE FUCK I THOUGHT MY PAIN TRAIN IS SPECIAL TO YOU

 **Louis** : well not if you won't let me choke on it lol bye bitch

**Louis has left the conversation.**

**Liam** : I-

 **Calum** : ash was right about him. He’s 50% rude and 50% not punkrock enough.

 **Liam** : I-

 **Calum** : now im off to watch those fucking jerks fuck and jerk off to it because i am done with this gay shitcrap. 

 **Calum** has left the conversation. 

 **Liam** : ... I... - ...

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry grandma


End file.
